Chapters and Cravings

Our table was booked for 2 pm, and we were seated with lovely place settings, individual teacups and complimentary water already waiting. So far, so promising. I was quietly optimistic.

That’s when things started to wobble a bit.

We waited a good 15 or 20 minutes before anyone came to take our drink order, and then it was almost another half hour before the drinks actually showed up. The food even beat the tea to the table!

I don’t expect everything to appear the second I sit down, especially if it’s busy, but when the whole point is the tea, and it’s nowhere to be seen, it’s a bit of a letdown.

I went for a classic English breakfast tea, served in my own little teapot. How lovely, right? Except when I finally poured a cup, it was… lukewarm. Tepid tea. In Britain. At afternoon tea. I could practically hear my ancestors sighing in disappointment. Honestly, that should be illegal! 😂

At least my nails were getting their moment. I had specifically imagined taking a delicate teacup photograph with them, and I wasn’t leaving without it!

Priorities, right?

When someone says afternoon tea, you picture a beautiful three-tier stand loaded with dainty sandwiches, fluffy scones and tempting cakes. Brownsover Hall, however, had other ideas.

Instead of the usual finger sandwiches, we each got a pre-plated selection of five savoury creations. I’ll be honest: I am not what you’d call an adventurous eater. Fish, seafood, shellfish? That’s a hard no from me. I don’t even eat fish fingers!

Still, I knew this menu was going to test my taste buds, so I decided to be brave. How bad could it be? Famous last words.

🦞 Lobster Bisque, Crayfish & Parmesan Tuile

Naturally, I tackled my biggest food enemy first. I dipped the crispy Parmesan tuile into the lobster bisque, thinking I could probably manage a little taste. What I hadn’t anticipated were the chunks found in the soup!

Absolutely not. The Parmesan didn’t do much for me either. Honestly, just give me a bit of Cheddar and I’m happy. But hey, I tried it. That’s what counts, right?

Would I willingly order it again? Not a chance.

🥩 Pulled Beef & Baron Bigod Bon Bon

Next was the little crispy bon bon.

Firstly, what on earth is Baron Bigod?! Well, after looking it up, it turns out it’s a soft, Brie-style cheese made in Suffolk. Well, that explains a lot.

The pulled beef was okay-ish, but there was this strong smell (pretty sure it was the cheese) and every bite turned into a little pep talk in my head: just swallow it, you’ll survive.

Not necessarily terrible, just definitely not my kind of thing.

🐟 Smoked Rainbow Trout & Gherkin Relish

Nope. Not happening.

I took one look and decided there was no way that was going anywhere near my mouth. You could serve it on the fanciest china in Buckingham Palace and I’d still politely pass.

Let’s move swiftly along, shall we?

🧀 Cote Hill Blue & Chestnut Mushroom Quiche

Another bold choice for someone who absolutely despises mushrooms. Cooked mushrooms just remind me of slimy little slugs, and that’s not something I want to think about at dinner.

And yes, Cote Hill Blue is another cheese. A blue cheese, to be precise. Despite my reservations, I tried the quiche. And surprisingly?

It wasn’t bad!

I wouldn’t rush to order it again, but given my lifelong feud with mushrooms, I’m counting this as a small win.

🥖 Chicken Caesar Salad, Rustic Ciabatta

Finally, something with chicken!

I’d saved this one for last, thinking it would be my safe bet. Sadly, I wasn’t a fan of the filling, so I just ate the ciabatta and called it a day.

By this point, I was genuinely wondering if I should have just ordered the children’s afternoon tea and saved myself the trouble.

🥪 The Savoury Verdict | A Table of Fussy Toddlers!

I get that Brownsover Hall is aiming for something a bit more sophisticated and adventurous than your standard finger sandwiches. If you love seafood, strong cheese and unusual flavour combos, you’d probably be in heaven. But me? I’d have been thrilled with some classic ham, chicken or cheese sandwiches.

And apparently, I wasn’t alone! Out of the six of us, Grandma was probably the only one who managed to eat most of her savouries. Even Queen Boss drew the line at the lobster, though!

The rest of us? Just picture a table full of fussy toddlers dragged somewhere fancy and you’re not far off. Mum had the vegetarian selection (she’s vegetarian), but that didn’t go much better. She can’t stand mushrooms, garlic or funky cheeses, and most of her savouries were heavy on the garlic.

Meanwhile, one of my aunties (who’s actually a trained chef) was already coming up with ideas for the sandwiches and cakes we’d serve if we ever opened our own afternoon tea place. Honestly, by the end of it, we could have written a whole menu between us. Probably with illustrations.

Sometimes simple really is best, especially when you’re feeding the Clampitts!

Unfortunately, the drinks weren’t our only issue with the service.

Once we’d finished our savouries, we naturally expected the plates to be cleared before the sweet treats arrived. Apparently not!

Instead, they brought over the three-tier cake stands and just plonked them down among all the plates already on the table. So there we were, six supposedly sophisticated ladies, piling up plates and shuffling everything around to make space. Not quite the flawless, Instagram-worthy afternoon tea I’d imagined!

It might sound like a small thing, but when you’re paying for a special afternoon out, those little details like clearing away the used plates really do matter. And honestly, there was already enough chaos at our table without us having to play crockery Tetris ourselves!

Thankfully, the sweet selection arrived looking much more like the afternoon tea I’d been imagining.

A beautiful rose-gold three-tier stand arrived, loaded with scones and desserts and a rainbow of little cakes, fruit tarts and macarons. Visually, it was stunning. Taste-wise? Well, buckle up, because we were about to go on another little adventure.

🍓 Plain & Fruit Scones | The Great Scone Scandal

Let’s address the controversial part first. I don’t do clotted cream. There. I’ve said it.

While everyone else is busy arguing about cream or jam first, I’m just over here quietly spreading butter first, jam second. Because I’m a classy bird, obviously.

We each got one plain and one fruit scone, both dusted with icing sugar. Sadly, there was no butter in sight at first, just clotted cream and jam. I ate my fruit scone with just jam, but my lovely auntie asked the server for some butter for me.

And finally, I could enjoy my plain scone the proper way. Order restored. My sister called my creation a sweet sandwich, and honestly, she’s not wrong. I’ll happily take that over clotted cream any day.

🫐 Fruits of the Forest Fool & Oat Granola

This sounded lovely on paper. In reality, it tasted like natural yoghurt with a bitter fruit compote and some healthy crunchy bits on top. I’m sure someone out there would love it.

And apparently, that somebody is my mum!

While I wasn’t especially impressed, Mum was having the time of her life with these little desserts. In fact, I think she managed to eat about FOUR of them! Her official verdict?

“It tastes like real earth, and I LOVE IT!” 🤣

I have no idea if that’s a compliment, but she looked absolutely delighted, so I’ll take it. Considering her veggie savouries hadn’t gone down well either, at least she found something she liked. Meanwhile, I was still quietly wondering where all the proper sweet treats had gone.

💚 Pistachio Macaron | The Unexpected Winner!

Now, this was a surprise!

If you’ve followed my snack adventures, you’ll know I’m not usually a pistachio fan. But every now and then, something pistachio-flavoured wins me over. This macaron did exactly that.

I genuinely enjoyed it! Even better, the other ladies weren’t fussed about theirs, so they started sliding their unwanted macarons my way. Did I save them for later?

Absolutely not!

I happily polished off my little macaron collection right there at the table. No regrets. Turns out, a few pistachio macarons are all it takes for me to forget I’m supposed to be acting like a sophisticated lady. One woman’s unwanted macaron is another woman’s treasure, and I wasn’t letting those little treasures go to waste.

🍫 Layered Chocolate Opera Cake

Now we’re talking. Chocolate!

Finally, something I could get behind. I’ll be honest, I have no idea what makes a cake an opera cake, but this was a lovely little layered chocolate square.

I enjoyed it. It wasn’t the most spectacular chocolate dessert I’ve ever had, but after everything else, I was just grateful for a decent bit of cake. Sometimes chocolate really does save the day.

🍓 Fresh Fruit Tart & Crème Pâtissière

This one looked beautiful. Unfortunately, looks can be deceiving.

I picked off the fruit and tried the tart, but the pastry was disappointing from the first bite. The texture reminded me of plastic. Sadly, so did the taste.

The crème pâtissière didn’t wow me either, so this one went straight into the ‘not quite’ pile. Such a shame, because it was one of the prettiest treats on the stand.

☕ Coffee & Walnut Cake with Tia Maria Icing

I knew this one would be a challenge.

Coffee-flavoured desserts aren’t really my thing, and adding liqueur into the mix wasn’t exactly going to improve my enthusiasm. Still, I gave it a go.

The smell of the liqueur was enough to put me off before I’d even started, and the coffee flavour sealed the deal. Even my mum, who loves her coffee, didn’t eat hers! That definitely made me feel better about my own picky taste buds.

🍰 The Sweet Verdict | An Unexpected Macaron Feast

The presentation was beautiful, but the flavours were a real mixed bag for me. The pistachio macarons were the biggest surprise, and the chocolate opera cake and my butter-and-jam scone were definite highlights.

As for the rest?

Let’s just say our table had a good laugh about having the taste buds of five-year-olds. Although, considering Mum managed to eat about four earthy fruit desserts while I worked my way through everyone else’s macarons, maybe we just needed to swap plates and be done with it.

Now, despite everything I’ve said about the food, there’s one thing I absolutely cannot fault about the afternoon.

The company.

Picture the scene: a beautiful Victorian Gothic hotel, elegant chandeliers, delicate teacups and tables of ladies having lovely, civilised conversations over their afternoon tea. And then there was us.

The Clampitts.

Six supposedly respectable women discussing bums, feet, fannies (if you’re not from the UK, that’s a slang word for lady parts) and what we’d pick for our last meals on Earth. Yes, really.

Not exactly the sophisticated conversation you’d expect from ladies enjoying afternoon tea! But honestly? The laughter was absolutely priceless.

We’re talking proper, uncontrollable, tears-rolling-down-your-face laughter. The kind where someone says something ridiculous, everyone cracks up, and just when you think you’ve recovered, someone else sets you off again. That was basically our whole afternoon.

Three generations of us around that table, from Queen Boss Grandma down to my sister and me, and not one of us could claim to be particularly ladylike. We might have been surrounded by beautiful architecture and fancy china, but you can dress the Clampitts up all you want. You’ll never quite take the Clampitts out of us.

And you know what? I wouldn’t change a single thing.

The food might not have been memorable for the right reasons, but those laughs? Absolutely unforgettable. Sometimes, the best thing on the menu isn’t even edible. It’s the people you share it with. ❤️

Before leaving, we were given little individually wrapped Brownsover Hall rock mints—a sweet little touch to finish the afternoon.

I do love thoughtful little touches like this, especially when they’re unique to the place. It made for a sweet little souvenir of our Halloween outing.

It was a lovely little souvenir of our Halloween outing.

Our afternoon didn’t quite end when we left Brownsover Hall.

Afterwards, Grandma, Mum, my sister and I headed back to Mum’s house, where the men of the family — my stepdad and brother-in-law — had been managing the fort with the children, my two boys and my niece. That’s where Mum proved she was the real hero of the day.

Because unlike the rest of us, who’d been hoping afternoon tea would satisfy our appetites, Mum had actually thought ahead! She’d already prepared homemade tomato soup and hot dogs ready for our 6 pm dinner.

TOMATO SOUP AND HOT DOGS!

After an afternoon of lobster bisque, fancy cheeses, unusual savouries and miniature desserts, we had good old-fashioned comfort food waiting at home. Sometimes you just can’t beat the simple stuff. And considering how the savoury selection went for most of us, Mum’s planning was spot on.

Forget the fancy afternoon tea. Mum was the real dinner hero! 😂❤️

⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – 3/5 Stars

So, would I recommend afternoon tea at Brownsover Hall Hotel?

This is a tricky one.

The hotel itself? Absolutely beautiful.

The Gothic exterior, stunning interior and atmospheric dining room were genuinely impressive. It’s a lovely spot for a special occasion, especially if you love historic buildings. And the ghostly legends made our Halloween visit feel extra fitting!

The service? Disappointing.

Waiting so long for drinks, only for my tea to arrive lukewarm after the food had already been served, wasn’t what I’d hoped for. Add in the fact that the savoury plates weren’t cleared before the cake stands arrived, so we had to rearrange everything ourselves, and the service just didn’t match the elegance of the surroundings.

The food? Sadly, mostly a miss for me.

I can appreciate the effort behind the more adventurous menu, but I really missed the classic sandwiches and found a few of the desserts a bit underwhelming. Judging by the amount of food left behind by five out of six of us, I wasn’t alone! To be fair, though, Mum’s love affair with the Fruits of the Forest Fool and my unexpected pistachio macaron feast did give us a couple of sweet wins.

The official afternoon tea menu is listed at £32.50 per person, and for that price I’d expect both the food and service to feel a bit more special. Of course, this is just my experience (and my picky taste buds). If you love seafood, blue cheese and all things adventurous, you might have a totally different opinion.

So why 3 out of 5 stars?

For me, the beautiful surroundings and a few enjoyable sweet treats were enough to bring the overall experience up to three stars. The hotel really is lovely, and I don’t want to ignore the positives just because the food wasn’t my cup of tea. But the disappointing service, barely warm tea and lack of classic savoury options meant I couldn’t give it any higher.

Would I return for the same afternoon tea? Probably not.

But would I give Brownsover Hall another chance? Absolutely!

I’d be interested in trying the restaurant instead, just to see what their other food is like. And I wouldn’t rule out an overnight stay. With all those ghostly legends, maybe I should spend a night there and see if One-Armed Boughton decides to show up! Knowing my luck, I’d probably spend the whole night jumping at every creak and groan.

A future haunted Food Adventure, perhaps? 👻

Our Halloween afternoon tea might not have been the culinary triumph I’d hoped for, but I definitely don’t regret going. I got dressed up, showed off my ACOTAR nails, enjoyed a few surprise sweet treats and spent a wonderful afternoon laughing with some of my favourite people.

Honestly, that was the best part of the whole day. The food might have been disappointing, but the memories definitely weren’t. Plus, we finished the day knowing Mum had already sorted dinner, which, let’s be honest, was probably the smartest move of the whole outing.

The Clampitts came, we saw, we drank lukewarm tea, rearranged half the crockery and laughed our way through the chaos.

And that, my friends, is what I call a proper family outing.

**All opinions are my own, based on our visit. This was a personal family outing, not a sponsored experience.**